


Je suis désolée

by Anonymous



Category: Original Work
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-16
Updated: 2020-04-16
Packaged: 2021-03-02 05:40:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,118
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23680051
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: One of my guilt and regrets. How I damaged my friendship with someone in High School.
Kudos: 2
Collections: Anonymous





	Je suis désolée

**Author's Note:**

> I suck at writing. I failed most of my classes. I did not proofread. Fuck grammar  
> This is just to let my feelings out because I can’t handle them, and never told it to my friends.
> 
> High School story before coronavirus happened  
> I am sorry for damaging you.
> 
> Our school system is kind of different. ‘’Secondaire’’ consisted of middle school and high school, 5 years. 7th grade to 12th grade. This happened in a private school...

I have a female friend, we met in 7th grade. I was antisocial to strangers… The only primary friend I had is sadly in a different class. This girl sat in front of me because of the alphabetic order seats… Our family name both started with TR. I wanted to be friends with her when I saw that she had an anime wallpaper on her laptop, but I had no courage. She said the first time she talked to me, I answered in an uninterested tone. So she thought I was not interested in making friends with her or something. I have a short term memory so I don’t remember what happened to be honest. She was more social than me even if she’s shy.

Anyways, we started being friends (with other classmates too). Few years passed, and we became close. We didn’t have any big fights, and that surprised me. We got along well. She was clingy and I usually kicked or punched her when she tried hugging me. She still kept trying to give daily hugs though ahaha. Even some kisses on my head. 

I think it was in 11th grade or 12th grade, during lunch, that I noticed that she had a crush on me. I was quite surprised since I’m a girl too, but everyone knows I’m not homophobic since I always fangirl about gay stuff with my friends (I fangirl with her too). I found out she had a crush on me with the affection she gave towards me, and I confirmed it with eye contact during that lunchtime. I was staring at her and she avoided looking at me...that pretty much got me like ‘’wow someone actually loves me’’. I never had a love life.

That day, I didn’t know how to feel… Do I love her? That kept me awake for some time… What happens if she confesses to me? What should I reply with? If I say yes, will I really love her? If I say no, she’s going to be sad… But this confession never happened because I fucked up.

I fucked up hard. It was during a day where we finished eating, we were walking toward my locker. We were talking, and I kept rubbing on one of her insecurities. Yes, I’m fucking stupid. We all know that she doesn’t like being called a flat chest. She always laughs it out like she doesn’t mind being called flat, but… I think that she gets hurt when we say it. She nicely asked to apologize, but like a dumb stubborn bitch I am, I wouldn’t. It kept going on for a few minutes, she was blocking me from opening my locker. I was trying to push her out, but she grabbed my wrist (I totally forgot she has karate class even if she’s skinny and doesn’t look like she has a lot of strength). Then my other friends came towards us because we had a class in 10 minutes. A male friend and I had sports. My gym clothes were in my locker, so he gently pushed my friend so I could open my locker. It was getting heat… I even forgot why we were fighting… I didn’t even apologize to her…  
After school, I went home and texted her on Instagram saying I was sorry, but she didn’t reply to me for a few hours. So I deleted it… She might have been busy...but I didn’t consider it… So she never got her apology. I knew I had to apologize as soon as possible, but I couldn’t. She started eating with another group of friends… I don’t even know where they eat… This was our first and last fight. 

Our next meeting was some months later, in a sweet sixteen birthday of my other friend… She came late as usual… Not surprised haha… Some hours later, everyone was partying hard… She was sitting, and I was standing. She then blurted out a sorry. Now, this happened months later and we had small talks there and then. So I didn’t know why she was apologizing. She then said ‘’Why am I apologizing?’’, and left. It was then I knew what she was talking about, but I didn’t even say sorry back??? Like how dumb can I be? Failing my classes and now this? I’m the one supposed to be saying sorry… Why are you saying sorry... You’re not even at fault…  
4 to 5 years of friendship that was going well… Now we treat each other as acquaintances... Maybe she sees me as a friend? But each time I talk to her, I just feel guilty, but deep inside I like talking to her...

Time passed… and I found out I also loved her, but now it’s too late. Each time I tried to sleep, I thought of her so all I could do was open my phone and forget about her because she would never love me back after that, and If I confess she would get damaged because she’s trying to forget about me. I think her love for me disappeared, and she slowly healed up, I am happy for her. As for me, I don’t really mind the sadness in my heart. I’ll never tell her about my feelings, but sometimes the pain hurts more than I expected. Was this how you felt? A love that would never be returned? I’m sorry… Sometimes I wish you would stay by my side. I wish we could go out like usual. Remember when we were the only one hanging out? And you said it feels like we’re on a date…? At that time, I didn’t know you had a crush on me… It’s now that I found out that you’re pretty both inside and outside...even though I would never say this to you, face to face. Sometimes I feel a day without you is not worth living, but I hate myself for changing my mood and being happy in an instant because of games on the internet. I wish we could hug each other without any words. It might seem selfish and foolish of me because I never hugged back on all those hugs you gave to me… I guess humans emotion change a lot

I love you, and I am sorry. I will slowly erase my feelings towards you.

In case we never talk again after graduating and going to college, know that your crush loved you back, but not at the same time. I see that you made a lot of friends and you can move on.

It hurts to see someone's love towards you slowly disappearing.

With time everything will be forgotten :)

**Author's Note:**

> Know your mistakes, don’t be stubborn like me.  
> Apologize for your mistakes. Don’t be a pussy like me.  
> It’s their insecurities, please don’t hurt them. Everyone has insecurities…  
> There were many chances for me to make up with her but I didn’t because I don’t deserve her. (Or is that an excuse)
> 
> What am I doing? Trying to teach others when I can’t even write shit.  
> I’m stupid for even writing this. I do feel better though.  
> Goodbye.


End file.
